The Silent Side of Abuse: When Men Are the Victims*trigger warning: abuse

More than ever, we are understanding that men suffer abuse in marriage. They, too, are victims of partner or marital violence, but it’s not talked about nearly enough. 

Today, we’re talking about it. And we need to keep talking about it until reporting is more comfortable. Until resources are more available and open to serving men. 

And, until it stops.

Men as Domestic Violence Victims: More Common Than You Think

In 2021, the BBC ran a feature on male domestic violence victims, and one brave man went public with his story. Tony Hannington survived six years of marital violence at the hands of his wife, including a stabbing, before she was convicted and sent off to serve a whopping two-year sentence.

As a survivor of domestic violence, this is a familiar landscape to me. I knew that men suffered abuse in marriage, too, but the article shocked me. It was this statement they quoted from ManKind Initiative that took my breath: 

“...more than a quarter of domestic abuse victims last year were men.”

And largely, these men are silent. The article explained that 49% of these men do not tell anyone. (A UK-specific number.) 

Why Don’t Men Talk About Their Abuse?

When I was suffering in an unhealthy marriage, one might say I talked about it far too much. I repeated my same woes. Cried to the same people. Struggle-bused through years of whining, complaining, sobbing, and raging, until I finally found my inner strength and made my exit. 

I remember vividly during this time that one well-meaning but hurtful co-worker called me a “broken record.” To this day, I feel uncomfortable reaching out to others when I am in pain. In short, no one wanted to hear about my problems anymore. They just wanted me to fix it. 

Sharing my story started slowly and was painful, and I was often met with victim-blaming,  shaming, or backlash. The traumas at home were compounded by societal expectations of me as a mother and woman.

Men face the same challenges, but their silence is telling. 

Research shows that male domestic abuse survivors are less likely to report violence, fearing disbelief or ridicule. Aside from public stigmas, there is also a lack of reporting avenues. There are whole networks of support systems available for female DV victims. However, men are often not served in these programs. 

One of the shelters I went to had a strict no-men-allowed policy. This rule was put in place for women and children to effectively hide from their abusers in a place they felt safe. But where do male abuse victims go when the only domestic violence shelter in town doesn’t allow men? Part of getting out and healing is creating a safe space to do this. 

Domestic Violence in Marriage: Female Perpetrators vs Males

There are domestic violence red flags that women are taught to look out for. We learn from a young age to be careful getting into an elevator with a man, or to be on guard when crossing a dark parking lot. And we learn to watch out for violence in our relationships, as well. Society tries to provide resources to prevent DV and get out of it when it occurs. 

But are the red flags the same for men?

Common Red Flags for All Sexes

• Extreme jealousy

• Verbal aggression

• Controlling behavior

• Isolation from friends/family

• Damaging property 

• Intimidation or threats
  
  

Then the lines blur when it comes to recognizing abuse. Women are often taught to watch for physical intimidation, private threats, and manipulative or coercive tactics. Men, however, may dismiss early warning signs like emotional instabilities, conflict, controlling or manipulation, or emotional abuse. 

Related reading: How to Help Your Child Cope With a Difficult Parent.

Does the Domestic Violence Standard Change for Men?

No. Assault is assault. Verbal abuse is verbal abuse. Financial control, coercion, threats, and violence of any kind apply whether you are a male or a female victim. But there are common differences.  

Male Victims

• Less likely to report or seek help

• Injuries are often less severe on average

• More likely to minimize or dismiss the abuse

• Stigma and disbelief are common barriers
  
  

Female Victims

• More likely to suffer serious physical injuries

• Higher rates of fear, PTSD, and lasting trauma

• More often report patterns of coercive control

• Greater risk of homicide from a partner

There are also differences in severity and control patterns when women are the perpetrators. Because the visible signs of abuse can be less severe, there are gray prosecutorial areas that may prevent men from reaching out to law enforcement. 

In the event an episode of violence is recorded and finds its way to social media, even clear instances of abuse against men may be heavily questioned. Commenters and law enforcement both may insist on a burden of proof that’s harder to meet. 

How Can We Provide More Support for Male Victims of Domestic Violence?

Simply put, we take away the stigma. And provide the framework for help-seeking, therapy, and safety.

First, as humans, we need to check our faces and our responses. When a man opens up about abuse they are suffering, our responses can shut that courage down. We have to check our dismissive attitudes and social stigmas. 

Domestic violence is not about gender. It is about power, control, and harm. A bruise is a bruise, a threat is a threat, and trauma is trauma. Our compassion acts as encouragement to those who are suffering, male or female. We can normalize openness on this topic. We can create a culture where healing is possible.

We can provide shelters, programs, and support groups for men who have suffered this type of trauma. We can also seek fairer prosecution of female perpetrators. The woman I mentioned earlier in this article served just two years for what she did to her husband. We need to hold ALL perpetrators accountable for their behavior.

Lastly, if you are suffering abuse at the hands of your wife, please reach out for help. Your bravery helps others be brave. 

Call 911 if there is immediate danger.

Local police can take reports of domestic violence, obtain restraining orders, and connect victims to resources.

National Domestic Violence Hotline (US): 1‑800‑799‑SAFE (7233) – confidential support and referral.

Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men & Women (DAHMW): 1‑888‑7HELPLINE – support specifically for male victims of abuse.

Christina M. Ward