How to Help Your Child Cope with a Difficult Parent
Co-parenting with a difficult ex is hard enough for you, but helping your child cope is also important. Many times in divorce, one parent can get wrapped up in the legal proceedings, act out of unhealed trauma, or spite. In such cases, the children can emotionally suffer, especially if you do not provide them with guidance on coping with their difficult parent.
When I went through my divorce, the pain I felt was nothing compared to the difficulties of navigating my child’s new, and often toxic, post-divorce landscape. It took a long time for my children and I to find less-turbulent ground, begin to work on healing, and begin handling (with a measure of grace and patience) the different levels of parenting after separation and divorce.
But, we did it. And so can you.
Recognize the Signs of a Toxic or Difficult Parent
It’s easy to slip into calling someone a “toxic” parent, especially when we are angry, hurt, or having trouble moving on after the divorce. But what does it really mean? And why is toxic parenting so prevalent during and after divorce proceedings? The signs of toxic parenting may overlap with signs of stress or pain, but with toxic parenting, the toxicity is unfairly aimed at or involves the children, contrary to what might be healthy for them. Your ex may be doing it to hurt you, but the children are taking on the responsibility of being a scapegoat or go-between.
Spotting Signs of Toxic Parenting
You may recognize some of these signs your ex is a toxic parent:
Frequent criticism or belittling
Emotional manipulation or guilt-tripping
Ignoring or dismissing the child’s feelings
Inconsistent or unpredictable behavior
Excessive control or lack of boundaries
Withholding affection as punishment
Bribing the kids with gifts or coercion
While this list isn’t comprehensive, you kind of just know when something isn’t right. You may see signs of stress in your children when they return from their other parent’s house, or your children may express that they do not want to go. In some cases, you may experience hostility from your kids, and suspect that their other parent may be to blame.
Trust your instincts, but remember that your issue is regarding the healthy parenting of your children, and not to vent your frustrations to the children. Even when it’s hard—and man, did my kids and I go through hard!—it’s up to you to be a reasonable, responsible, emotionally safe space for your children.
Why Is Toxic Parenting Worse After Divorce?
Toxic parenting may arise after divorce because emotions are running high. Often, there’s unresolved conflict. A hurt parent, or an unhealed one, may try to control the narrative by controlling or manipulating the children. With less oversight, the toxic parent may feel freer to manipulate, criticize, or undermine boundaries. Children become emotional battlegrounds, increasing their stress and confusion.
Since my children are now grown, with kids of their own to raise, I can look back on those difficult days after my divorce and see the pain my children went through. In retrospect, the manipulation and bickering hurt them far more than they did me. I can see the painful, and sometimes long-lasting, effects of toxic parenting. I see now that it made the divorce so much harder for them to process.
The Effects of Toxic Parenting on Children
So, let’s take a look at what toxic parenting can do to your kids. Toxic parenting (from either parent, including you) can take a measurable toll on your children’s health and well-being.
Increased Risk of Mental Health Disorders: Children exposed to emotional abuse may be more likely to develop depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
Impaired Brain Development: Verbal abuse can alter brain structures related to threat and reward, leading to difficulties in forming relationships and heightened emotional sensitivity.
Lower Self-Esteem and Self-Worth: Consistent criticism and belittling can erode a child's self-confidence.
Difficulty in Emotional Regulation: Children may struggle with emotional regulation and be prone to impulsive behaviors or emotional outbursts.
Increased Risk of Substance Abuse: Early exposure to emotional maltreatment is associated with a higher likelihood of substance use and abuse in adolescence.
Your children may also find it difficult to pay attention in school, which could slow or hinder their educational development. This may impact how their lives unfold, potentially leading to generational trauma. All of this impacts your children, and you suspect the other parent is hurting your children with their behavior, or having trouble navigating their parenting after separation and divorce…what can you do about it?
Teaching Coping Skills, Healthy Habits, and Open Communication
Now, I’m not a doctor, or a therapist, but I’ve been right where you are, worried about my kids, their stress, and what they were going through dealing with a difficult parent. So, looking back, these are the three things I wish I’d known back then.
Teach Your Kids How to Cope
Creating a healthy, emotionally safe environment, with stability your kids can count on from you—all this is super important. But to back the lens up a bit, teaching your kids general coping skills will help them deal with their difficult or toxic parent, plus every other problem they will face in their life.
Encourage simple techniques like deep breathing, journaling feelings, or talking to a trusted adult. These tools build resilience for tough moments. Therapy for children of divorce is also helpful. Let your kids know it’s all about learning healthy coping skills, and not because they’ve done anything wrong.
Help Your Kids Prioritize Healthy Habits
Healthy habits—like regular sleep, balanced meals, and physical activity—aren’t just good for the body; they’re essential for emotional well-being too. When life feels chaotic because of a difficult parent, these habits provide kids with a sense of routine and control. Encourage hobbies, time outdoors, and unplugged family moments to strengthen their mental health and build a foundation for coping.
Teach Your Kids About Healthy, Honest Communication
Help your kids express their feelings clearly and respectfully, even when things feel messy. Let them know it’s okay to say how they feel without fear of judgment or backlash. Role-play conversations or practice “I feel” statements to build confidence. Open, honest communication helps kids process their experiences and prevents bottled-up emotions that can lead to bigger struggles later on.
Make This Your #1 Rule: Don’t Badmouth the Other Parent
I wish I could tell you that I knew better. That I never badmouthed my ex or vented about the parenting they did. In fact, I did all of this far too often. And now, I can see how much I hurt my kids by behaving that way.
I wish someone had taken me by the hand back then and said to me—I know all of this is really hard on you, and you have every right to be upset, but venting and badmouthing isn’t hurting your ex, it’s hurting your kids—and I wish younger me would have been emotionally well enough to receive that advice.
If you do one thing to help your children navigate a difficult parent after your divorce, make this a personal boundary you will not cross.
Here at Alimonia Life, we prioritize open communication and support for those going through divorce. It’s difficult navigating healthy co-parenting when honesty is lacking, or parental alienation, or other unhealthy things are going on since your divorce. We understand. And, we share our stories here, so you don’t feel alone in yours.
Christina M Ward