Strained Relationships with Adult Children After Divorce: A Guide to Healing
I am sad to say that it took me years after my divorce to see there was a problem. After nearly a decade of “cleaning up the mess” my relationship had caused in my life, I missed one of the most important things.
My relationships with my adult children. They had suffered.
It’s like one day the fog cleared in my mind and I could suddenly see the casualties. I hadn’t realized how generational the trauma would be. And by the time my healing heart understood this, I lived in fear that it was too late.
There Is Hope
If there is one good thing about generational trauma, and post-divorce healing, it’s that you can rebuild. You can heal. And, in the process, you can work on those relationships that may have become strained as people processed the pain of the divorce. A bright future and healed present are largely under your influence.
This means, you can always do something about it, even if all you can do is show up a better person each day. Even if that one thing you can do right now is pick up your cell and call your kids. Just to say I love you. Or, I’m proud of you. Or, I’m sorry.
Divorce is a minefield. Not one of your relationships is immune to the fallout. When the smoke clears on your divorce, and the sun starts to shine in your life once again, remember to do some healing, not just for yourself, but with your adult children.
They’re grown now. And likely, they have opinions. Pains of their own. Words may have been said, hard or ugly ones. Or, your adult children are carrying the pain of feeling they were never heard.
Today’s conversations, done with a good listening ear and that provide a safe, non-judgmental space, may help heal tomorrow’s generational pain.
When Divorce Changes Everything, Including the Relationship with Your Adult Kids
So, the fallout. With my divorce more than a decade behind me, my children were grown into very fine young men. I became an empty-nester, then a grandmother.
With age often comes the wisdom we wish we’d already had, back then. I wished I’d listened more. I wished I’d put their needs before my pain. I wished I’d done better.
As my sons and I navigated new territories, we had to learn new communication, new ways to support each other, or ask for the space we needed for healing, during those times we needed it. It took time, patience, forgiveness, and a lot of love. (Honestly, love was the easy part.)
What my adult children and I went through after my divorce is not all that uncommon. One research study shows the impact of divorce on children often lasts well into adulthood. PubMed reports that “parental divorce is an indicator of sufficient stress in childhood” and that its influences “persist well into adulthood, possibly with wider scope among females.”
The study also noted a bit of advice, which I can say (based on my experiences) is right on target: “It is important to recognise specific needs of children in the divorce process in order to prevent or minimize negative consequences and chain reactions during their subsequent life.”
In this study, young people were surveyed to determine the long-term impacts of divorce, ages 16-32 years, assessing multiple criteria, including:
Psychological well-being
Life situation
Health behavior
Social networks
Support
Negative life events
Interpersonal problems
The study observed a higher likelihood of depression or interpersonal issues into adulthood. Penn State reported that children who are younger than seven when their parents divorce actually have poorer health as adults, sometimes due to riskier health behaviors.
But you aren’t here because you need to be convinced that divorce is bad for your children…you’re here because you are scared. That your kids are growing up, or are grown, and the wreckage of your divorce is visible to you in their eyes.
Maybe they’re not even speaking to you.
You’re here because you want to know what the hell to do about it.
Why Some Grown Children Pull Away After a Divorce
Divorce isn't a "one and done" event; it's a transition that ripples across emotions, trust, and expectations. When kids grow up and see the confusion, the upheaval of a divorce playing out in their lives, and they are powerless to stop it, they find ways to cope. Ways to make sense of what they are seeing.
And often, these walls, these coping mechanisms, remain for a long time.
Adult children of divorce may pull away from one or both parents. Long term, or for a season of personal healing. There are many reasons, but these are common:
Loyalty conflicts between two parents
Unresolved childhood pain
Emotional burnout from carrying this weight for so long
Feeling resentful
Trying to set new boundaries
How to Keep Communication Open, Even if It Feels One-Sided at First
Years past can’t be bought back with tears.
What matters now is recognizing their pain, their perspective, and their boundaries. Even if your adult child isn’t responding, your steady presence can still speak volumes. Your patience can speak love to their pain.
Rebuilding connection often starts with quiet consistency. Show up in small, sincere ways without pressure or expectation. A message on a birthday. A check-in, just a quick “How are you?” It may feel one-sided at first. But this is not about forcing a relationship. It is about keeping the door open with love and humility.
Also, don’t underestimate the power of your own growth. As they see this displayed in new ways, these shifts can inspire new conversations. Honor their pace, and their space, and be there now like you wish you’d have been back then.
That is how walls begin to come down. Not all at once, but slowly, with care.
Here at Alimonia Life, we prioritize open communication and support for those going through divorce. We understand. And, we share our stories here, so you don’t feel alone in yours.
Christina M. Ward