The Wins and Losses of Co-Parenting
Let’s be honest, co-parenting after divorce isn’t what you had in mind when you said your vows. It’s like the aftermath of battle, and like it or not, you have to clean up, make the best of what’s left, and somehow turn it all into a win for your children. There can be more ups and downs, more challenges to co-parenting than you’d think possible.
Another let’s-be-honest moment—the children cannot, should not, pay for the aftermath of a failed marriage. Co-parenting, when done well, can prevent some of the stress on your children.
What Is Co-Parenting?
Co-parenting is not the same thing as joint custody. In fact, co-parenting can occur regardless of how the courts determine physical custody of the children.
One is a legal term that describes who is legally responsible for what; the other is about perspective and practice. One is about legal clarity, the other more about moral responsibility, and the day-to-day twists and turns that parenting involves.
Joint custody defined: Joint legal custody is the legal framework for co-parenting as determined by the court. This determines the legal responsibilities of each parent.
Co-parenting defined: Co-parenting is the process of parenting a child after the relationship has been separated or dissolved by divorce, ideally with both parents playing an active role in the children’s lives.
What Do Co-Parenting Wins Look Like?
I remember my ex-husband and I sitting together at my son’s high school graduation. After our son crossed the stage, my ex turned to me and said something I’ll never forget: “Well, we did it.”
To be very clear, our methods of co-parenting looked more like a world war than a co-parenting strategy. We fought, endlessly, over every detail of our son’s life. Legally, things were very clear in the custody agreement. But the in-betweens, the parts we had to navigate each day in real time, were ambiguous and therefore the source of great contention. It appeared we didn’t agree on anything at all when it came to raising our son.
Looking back, it had to be even more miserable for our son than it was for us.
I would not call that years-long battle a win, but reaching the finish line of our son graduating, turning 18, and starting off on his own life’s adventures—was certainly a win.
If I learned anything through all of it, there really are no winners when two opposing forces try to accomplish a united goal, with no real strategy. There are no battles won or lost, no score. It is about loving the best you can, communicating as peacefully as possible, and keeping the child’s needs foremost. Doing this for one moment, one day, one week…these count as wins.
Creating a Co-Parenting Playbook
Every game has its rules. A set of standards that act as guidelines for play. Footballers memorize a wide variety of scenarios, so they know what to do in each situation when the game is on and the scoring matters. Co-workers attend training that shapes how decisions should be made on the job. Co-parents, too, need a playbook. A co-parenting plan.
Parenting plans can be a legal document drawn up between the two parties, or one that you create with your ex. Either way, age-appropriate guidance is discussed, and some general agreements are made on what co-parenting will look like in practice.
Discuss the big topics, as well as the smaller ones, ahead of time to reduce in-the-moment areas of contention.
If there is a problem at school, who will handle this? Will both parties attend teacher conferences? Will school attendance and other aspects of the child’s education be handled by both parents, or will one take the helm?
How will discipline be managed? How can each parent uphold disciplinary actions to ensure consistency?
What constitutes an emergency and when should the other parent be notified, called, or consulted?
How will communications be handled? Phone, text, or messenger?
How will the child be guided in terms of belief systems or faith?
Find the areas where you can present a united front, and make these the cornerstones of your parenting plan.
My Ex Isn’t Helping, and Other Co-Parenting Challenges
Co-parenting, as I said before, is hard. There are bumps along the road that can derail the best of intentions and the most rock-solid parenting strategies. For example, a common feeling or complaint is from the parent who feels they are doing the majority of the “work” of parenting. Maybe they have the children for more of the time, or they are more involved in the children’s extracurricular activities. More effective than squabbling over the disparity is to make presence, however small, count. Remember that for your child, even the smaller contributions matter.
Common Co-Parenting Challenges
There are many common challenges that co-parents face. Here are a few of the more contentious areas, which can be addressed in a neutral conversation, such as during mediation, counseling, or over coffee when the kids aren’t around. Preparation can go further than damage control.
Co-parenting with a difficult ex
Conflicting schedules
Different parenting styles
Communication breakdowns
When your ex doesn’t help with the kids (one parent disengaging or failing to contribute)
One parent not adhering to the legal requirements of the custody arrangement
Financial disagreements
Improper behavior of one parent (Example: badmouthing the other parent)
New partners entering the picture
Holiday and vacation conflicts (See: Holiday Co-Parenting Tips)
Parent burnout, illness, job loss, etc.
Unresolved marital conflict
Differences in moral code or religion
Kids caught in the middle, acting out, or manipulating
Child illness, accident, medical or mental health needs
How Do You Make Co-Parenting Easier?
How do we make these conversations easier? How can we agree on important things when we proved we can’t do that together—I mean, we did get divorced?
A few key practices can help you navigate these co-parenting years with a little less struggle.
Successful Co-Parenting Strategies
Prioritizing — Prioritizing becomes essential when you are co-parenting. During the marriage, you may have prioritized your relationship and the interactions of the family as a whole, but now the dynamics are very different. Prioritize what you can affect. And above all, keep your children’s welfare at the center of your thoughts and actions.
“When dealing with something beyond your control, make letting go of it your goal.”
―Denise Marek, CALM for Moms: Worry Less in Four Simple Steps
“Set aside your differences and put your child first.”
—American Academy of Pediatrics, Divorce and Separation: How to Help Your Child AdjustCommunication — Communication is a skill that can be worked on and improved. Not just to improve your interactions with your ex, but also with your children, family, on the job, or otherwise. Take a class in oral communication. Work with a therapist. Read a good book on effective communication.
Book Recs: Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, and Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High
Conflict resolution — Similar to good communication skills, learning effective conflict resolution can help dissolve tension and keep the child’s needs first.
“When working to de-escalate conflicts it helps to focus on the problem – not the person.”
—Holly Tiret, Michigan State University Extension, “Managing conflict in co-parenting”
Book Rec: Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters MostCompromise — Compromise doesn’t mean giving in or losing your perspective. It’s about weighing the importance of holding your ground against seeking resolution. For the sake of your children, compromise is a necessity, especially for the smaller things you may want to cling to and “win”.
Book Rec: The Co-Parenting Handbook: Raising Well-Adjusted and Resilient Kids from Little Ones to Young Adults Through Divorce or Separation by Karen BonnellAnchor in the wins — Winning vs losing, it’s not really important. But as humans, we need wins to fuel our forward and positive momentum. (Our children do too.) When you and your ex get through a moment of contention and do it well, take the time to acknowledge this shared win. If anything, a little mindfulness in the right direction can make the journey a little more rewarding.
“You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.”
— Maya Angelou,Letter to My Daughter
Also by Maya Angelou (a QUEEN of American poetry and inspirational paradigm, in my humble opinion), is this: “You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated.”
I could not agree more.
Thanks for reading The Wins and Losses of Co-Parenting, by the staff writers here at Alimonia Life Blog. We are here to help you feel less alone on your divorce journey.
Christina M. Ward