Divorce, Holidays and Co-Parenting

After I filed for divorce, the holidays became a whole new source of stress. What once felt predictable and traditional suddenly required negotiation, planning, and compromise. I remember how angry and frustrated I was that first year—holidays are supposed to be about joy and gathering, not schedules and tension. But there I was, trying to create a plan that honored everyone’s desire for celebration and togetherness. In many ways, that first holiday season became a training ground for learning how to make co-parenting work.

We eventually created a schedule that worked, one that reflected what we used to do when we were married. The difference now was that we were trying to show the kids we could still coexist peacefully without chaos. And that plan worked—at least until my family came to visit. When I asked to adjust the schedule, I was berated. In that moment, I was reminded exactly why I had filed for divorce in the first place.

I wanted to fire back, but instead, I chose silence. And that silence created space. It allowed both of us to return to the table with clearer minds and reorganize the holiday schedule. Ultimately, we were able to spend time together as a family in a way that felt healthy.

That experience taught us the importance of flexibility—of considering everyone involved when planning for the holidays. It showed the kids that they were at the forefront of our decision-making, and that we could function as a team without tearing each other down. I know this isn’t possible for every co-parenting situation, but for us, it was a turning point.

Fast forward five years, and the holidays look different—but in a good way. We don’t spend them together anymore, but we’ve learned to be accommodating. We’ve become good at requesting time during the other parent’s day, sharing the day, or planning celebrations on alternate dates. This year, I was willing to let him have the holiday itself, and I’ll take the kids for a weekend getaway. I’ll still stop by for a quick hug and kiss—that’s enough to make my heart full.

Holidays aren’t a competition. There’s no prize for “winning” more time. The real goal is to create meaningful moments with our kids. When we set our egos aside, we make room for traditions rooted in love, peace, and genuine connection.

And that, to me, feels like the true holiday win.

Regina H.