How a Difficult Marriage Changes You-and How Healing Brings You Back

Difficult marriages have a strange way of altering your personality. I discovered that I had built an enormous wall of protection around myself. In an effort to minimize my pain, I became callous—hardened and guarded. That version of me was created for survival, but it was not the person I wanted to continue being in my new life. One day you wake up and realize you are no longer who you once were.

When Survival Becomes a Personality

It wasn’t until I was outside of that house that I truly saw who I had become—and it wasn’t impressive. Still, I appreciate that version of me. She showed up to protect me and guide me toward making a better decision for my life. But appreciation also required accountability. I had to acknowledge the behaviors that needed to change.

I said things that were insensitive. I behaved in ways that were offensive. Not because I lacked empathy, but because I was carrying unhealed pain. Those behaviors were defense mechanisms—attempts to shield wounds that ran deep. Recognizing that truth was uncomfortable, but necessary.

Accountability Is Part of Healing

I learned to acknowledge my shortcomings. And more importantly, I apologized for my mistakes. I realized that I could sit down and have mature, respectful conversations with people I disagreed with. I didn’t need defensiveness to be strong.

Taking responsibility for your actions is liberating and deeply rewarding.

You Can’t Carry Old Patterns Into a New Life

A huge part of moving on from a marriage is uncovering your own challenges, addressing them, and committing to healing your pain. If you don’t, you simply package up old habits and carry them forward—continuing the same cycle of dysfunction in a new setting. I wanted no part of that.

By clearing the emotional debris, you make space for healthier relationships rooted in genuine connection. The healed version of you naturally attracts like-minded people—those who see and value the beautiful person you have become.

Choosing Freedom and Love

The point of leaving my marriage was to gain the freedom to live as my true self. But first, I had to shed the pain and the coping mechanisms I used to survive the trauma. All of the old behaviors had to go.

The softer version of me wasn’t just better for my own well-being—it was better for everyone who entered my life.

We owe it to ourselves to live rooted in love. And that begins within. The love and respect you project outward will return to you—and life feels so much better when it does.

Who might you become—and who might you attract—if you chose healing over survival?

Regina H.