Guest Spot: The Rebirth of Dignity in Divorce

Dignity and marriage are partners.  We usually get married to bring legitimacy to a relationship, making an ‘honest’ woman or man out of our partner.  Wedding rings are deemed as status symbols for many people, the larger the rock, the more your partner loves you (according to the marketing).

In my 23 years of marriage, I felt that I carried most of the load. I planned where we lived, I’d move us, I’d push for more income, I’d push for counseling….. I initiated and went to the county building to get the divorce.  To be fair, she was great at taking care of our child, and when she had a job, she would do great at it as well.  However, there wasn’t much in the way of being a partner and lover.  There was little to no effort spent or invested in the relationship or me.

Eventually, I realized that I was miserable, I distracted myself as best I could.  I worked hard, started businesses and hobbies and drank booze to self-medicate.  All because I was not whole, I learned that in a marriage mutual respect and validation are key because we need those things from a spouse.  Home is our safe place from the outside world. Just like in baseball, homebase/home is where we take a break from the game of life.  Home is where we replenish ourselves, rest, gather strength in order to get back out there.  When that doesn’t happen, you go back out into the world exhausted and illprepared.

In our culture, marriage is a source of dignity.  So much so that many of us stay in the crappiest relationships, hide relationship dysfunction and sometimes outright lie.  The intent is solely to preserve that ever so important image of a ‘healthy relationship.’  The reason being that we feel a loss of dignity or personal sense of value if that image is shattered.

In my situation, I came to realize that I was doing things that I would have never done before I was married.  I was drinking too much, staying out without letting my wife know where I was.  When we dated, she always knew where I was and that was before mobile devices.  I would sometimes be rude or talk angrily about marriage in general to strangers in bars.  I’d say too much to friends or anyone that would ask about my marriage.  It was undignified.

At some point I lost some of my dignity because I felt invalidated, ignored and unimportant at home.  I dedicated my life to a partnership and I fully expected it to be the rewarding and inspiring relationship that I had when we dated.  It was a relationship that gave me strength and motivated me to provide for my spouse.  After years of decline in interaction, interest, encouragement and validation, I felt that everything that I was doing was of low value and priority.  I lost dignity because such a large part of my life, my marriage, provided so little. The status of marriage is unavoidably part of our identity and a cornerstone of our lives.  When the cornerstone is incapable of providing support of its dependent walls, they collapse.

It was a slow process to rebuild myself with a new source of pride and dignity, separate from my marriage.  I had to remind myself of who I was and what I had done in my life that I felt good about.  Not as a husband or father, but just as me.  It allowed me to take a more honest assessment of who I am, based on what I’ve done in my life.  I now understand that any relationship I engage in must protect or build my sense of value.

Clarence Peterson