We argued about the dump. The town dump. And before you LOL at me, remember we often laugh at what we can relate to. In your case, it might be the dishes. Or who picks up the kids from Scouts or ball practice.
Marriages can develop figurative landfills where the same tired, old arguments get rehashed. The little things pile up in this emotional landfill, and no matter how many times that same argument is revisited, nothing seems to get resolved. Resentment can pile up in heaps.
Why do you keep having the same arguments? Let’s talk about it.
What Are Couples Arguing About?
When I say my ex and I fought about the town dump, I mean that literally. We lived in a rural area without trash pickup. Meaning, no truck made rounds to collect our trash, and we were responsible for carrying it ourselves to a conveniently located drive-thru drop-off. It was free. You just paralleled your car to the huge compactor, and a nice man unloaded it for you.
Did I mention the dump was conveniently located? By this, I mean that my partner drove right by it on his way to work. And day after day the trash bags piled up. I could not understand why my partner didn’t just take the trash on his way to work. It made more sense to me than cleaning it up from the yard after the bears and raccoons had their way with it.
For whatever reason, my partner “forgot” to take the trash bag each morning. He would wait until there were bags and bags of trash and the landlord complained. Could I have taken it myself? Absolutely. But I wasn’t going that direction, and he passed by it every single day. It became a constant argument.
Let’s be clear. It wasn’t about the trash. These recurring arguments were placeholders for the bigger things we couldn’t talk about.
Common Sources of Marital Conflict
What are the most contentious sources of relationship conflict? These topics are reportedly the most common areas of marriage conflict, each a potential trap for cyclic arguments to develop:
Communication styles
Tone of voice, attitude
Money and financial decisions
Household chores and unequal division of labor
Parenting and children
Intimacy and quality time
Conflict Resolution Before Things Get Hard
I’d like to say my partner and I solved the trash argument. We didn’t. We loved each other. We wanted to be happy. So we stopped talking about the trash. I developed a kind of trash blindness that shamed me.
And this is how we have the same arguments over and over. We address the symptom, not the actual problem. We keep thinking it’s really about the trash.
Actively Listened to My Partner
I wish I hadn’t just yelled about the trash. I didn’t ask any questions, or try to understand why this was such a line in the sand between my partner and I. The more I complained, the more upset I got, the more the trash became a problem. Until I just gave up.
I wish I had just talked to my partner. Instead of deciding…this is how we handle the trash and then telling him to do it. I wish I’d asked my partner, “How should we handle the trash?” A solution we’d arrived at together would certainly have been easier for us to carry out, right?
Reduced Tension and Practiced Empathy
In the end, my partner simply couldn’t remember to put the trash in the car in the mornings, when coffee and a shower were challenging enough for him. Turns out he wasn’t sleeping well. In the rush of mornings, he fought to shake off sleep—and the trash was the last thing on his mind. Also, we were both poster-adults for ADHD: he the disorganized type and I the list-making type.
So, why couldn’t I have just been that voice of reminder in the morning, and with a smile? I wish that I had.
Addressed the Problem Together
Since I was the one to remember things more easily, I could have gathered the trash in the mornings, prompting him to remember it. It could have been an easy routine each morning.
Instead of looking for solutions, I placed blame. And that, to my shame, is how I remember it now. I remember the arguments and how angry I got that he couldn’t just do this one simple thing. I resented him for it, when I could have practiced some empathy, engaged in problem-solving conversation, and offered more support.
Cyclic Arguments Need Active Repair
Having the same argument over and over doesn’t resolve anything. But active steps toward resolution can. The goal is not to win the same argument again. It is to clear enough space beneath the resentment to hear each other.
If you’re not sure where to start, here are some recommended books to inspire you to do better in the small things—so they don’t morph into larger issues within your marriage.
Recommended Reading
Lessons On the Way to Onesome by Regina Hiremath — A survivor’s memoir about healing from childhood trauma and an emotionally abusive marriage, then rebuilding a life of self-discovery and purpose.
This Is How Your Marriage Ends by Matthew Fray — A candid guide to how small, repeated behaviors—especially invalidation and poor communication—can quietly erode a marriage.
Fight Right by Drs. John and Julie Gottman — A research-based guide showing couples how to handle conflict in ways that build understanding, repair, and connection.
Seeking Continued Support Begins Here at Alimonia Life
Alimonia Life Blog is a special space in the interwebs. Our founder, Regina Hiremath, envisioned providing a supportive community for those going through divorce. Helpful tools, books, and yes, blogs written by real people who have been right where you are today.
So thanks for being here, for reading Why Do We Keep Having the Same Argument?, and we hope you continue to seek support during this time. No one should have to go through this alone. We are here for you.
Christina M. Ward