Forgive Yourself for the Decisions You Made

One of the most difficult challenges you will face after a divorce is learning how to forgive yourself. We often look back and question why we made certain choices—why we married who we did, why we stayed, why we tolerated what we did, and why we didn’t know better sooner. But most of us chose our partners at a time when we were still discovering who we were. We made decisions based on limited self-awareness, limited life experience, or the pressures and fears that shaped us. Whether you married young, later in life, or under the weight of loneliness or hope, the truth is the same: you made the best decisions you could with the knowledge you had at the time.

In my case, childhood trauma quietly directed my steps. It shaped what felt familiar, even when that familiarity was unhealthy. I chose a partner whose patterns mirrored the wounds of my past. I also chose someone who carried their own unresolved pain—doubling the weight and doubling the struggle. I had no way of knowing the depth of the challenges that were waiting for me. I didn’t anticipate the private hell I would endure behind closed doors.

Because my parents never married, I grew up determined to break that cycle. I became hyper-focused on not just getting married but staying married. I put enormous pressure on myself to “get it right.” That belief system locked me into a mindset where leaving felt like failure. I dug in my heels, holding on no matter the cost to my wellbeing. And in the process, I caused myself more trauma by staying longer than my spirit could bear. Deep down, I knew the truth—but I wasn’t ready to honor it.

Eventually, I found the courage to walk away. But the freedom didn’t come without pain, grief, and a long stretch of self-reflection. One of the hardest parts was forgiving myself—truly forgiving myself—for the suffering I endured out of loyalty to an image, a belief, and a fear of breaking a cycle. I had to forgive the version of me that operated from survival mode. The version that didn’t yet understand her worth. The version that carried the guilt of not seeing the signs sooner. And I had to release myself from the imagined judgment of people who didn’t know my story.

That version of me is gone—and she served her purpose.

When you finally let go of the past, you create space for acceptance. You begin trusting yourself again. You start to believe that going forward, you will choose differently because you are different. And that is where freedom lives—in the quiet confidence that you are no longer controlled by who you used to be.

Forgiving yourself is not instant. It takes time, intentional work, and a softening of your own heart toward your younger self. But it is possible. And on the other side is an incredible feeling: to stand fully in your power without shame, without guilt, and without the weight of old stories dragging you back.

The power to heal is yours.

The power to move forward is yours.

The power to reclaim your life has always been yours.

Regina H.