Healing Your Mental Health After the Big Breakup
Once the dust has cleared and the divorce is finalized, or at least heavily underway, your focus shifts to picking up the pieces of yourself. Mental health healing after divorce is a path you didn’t ask for, and one that can feel like a quiet battle you face alone.
The good news (if you want to call it that) is that you aren’t really alone in this.
Divorce and Stress
The American Institute of Stress has a downloadable copy of an assessment you can take to indicate your levels of stress. It’s called the Holmes and Rahe stress scale, formally known as the Social Readjustment Rating Scale (SRRS). It consists of a series of questions that identify stress events with weighted scores called Life Change Units. Essentially, it’s a quiz to see how stressed you are, and it’s based on real science.
Want to know how “stressful” divorce is, according to the Holmes and Rahe scale? Divorce is ranked second — assigned 73 points, just below the 100 points for the death of a spouse.
Divorce is considered the second-most stressful life event. Whether or not you agree with its placement on the scale, you have to admit divorce shakes up a life, and this can include your mental health. There’s no one solid answer that makes it all easier. From undoing years of trauma bonding to repairing your self-esteem, the journey is a very personal one.
One thing we try to do here at Alimonia Life is share our stories with you, so that your journey isn’t so isolating. While we’re not here as mental health experts, we have faced similar battles. Sometimes facing your healing means empowering yourself for the journey. We hope to help with that.
Impacts of Divorce on Mental Health
Without going down the rabbit hole of divorce and mental health statistics, it does help to see your struggle in black and white print. Validation, too, is empowering.
One UK study reported an increase in anxiety and depression associated with divorce and separation, and a higher risk of alcohol abuse
Roughly 10-15% suffer considerable mental health challenges after divorce
A study of older adults found that divorced or widowed people had 20% more chronic health conditions, like heart disease, diabetes, or cancer, than married people
Self-esteem tends to decline in the lead-up to divorce, then stabilize again in the years afterward
The uplifting point here is that even while your mental health can take a considerable hit during this difficult time, there are studies that show mental health issues can improve within a couple of years with the right kind of support.
Facing the Mental Health Fallout After Divorce
My daughter-in-law was invited to deliver a sermon at her church recently. I had the pleasure of reviewing her written sermon, then watching it via live stream while she delivered her powerful message of healing. Though it wasn’t a divorce-related topic, it did address mental health and chronic illness. As we look at the mental health struggles of divorce, the Bible passage my daughter-in-law referenced in her sermon is front and center in my mind. For those of you who are led by faith, perhaps you’ll find this reference helpful.
The Bible passage is I Kings 19: 1–8. Elijah has just faced a fierce battle, been threatened by a vengeful queen, and is now feeling overwhelmed to the point of self-destruction. He flees to the desert, crawls under the shade of a broom tree, and prays for death. Does that sound familiar? A fierce emotional toll, followed by isolation and despair? In the passage, God sends an angel to Elijah with a simple message: eat, drink, and rest for the next phase of your life.
Simple message: Take care of yourself.
So, I’d like to begin there. After the devastation of divorce, your mind, body, and spirit need an extra measure of care. This does not imply weakness, but addresses your needs. So if you are feeling guilty over taking the time to address your post-divorce mental health, leave those thoughts under the broom tree.
How Do You Fix Mental Health After Divorce?
Whether you walk by faith or not, mental health is something we all share as humans. And when a relationship ends, it shakes the core of how we view ourselves, our abilities, and in many ways it can challenge our sense of self-worth. The question is two-fold:
How can we stabilize our mental health during times of increased emotional distress?
How can we get “ourselves” back?
It’s not just about resolving the trauma, managing the stress load, and restoring our health, but also how we find a more satisfying quality of life thereafter. These challenges may present differently for each of us — our time under the broom tree is a very personal experience — but the mechanisms for self-repair are shared. The human body and mind have an incredible capacity for healing.
5 Practical Ways to Improve Mental Health
Let your body lead the way.
Like Elijah, the basics of your body’s needs are where any journey must begin. Sleep, food, water, movement, breath. These core bodily functions can improve how you’re feeling while you do the emotional unpacking. Remember to care for your body, listen to its needs, and address them with care, as you would for anyone else you love. If you are feeling out of touch with your body, try a self-guided body scan meditation.
Name what you are feeling.
Divorce grief doesn’t always show up as sadness. It can feel like numbness, disconnection, anger, or feeling shame. Naming your struggles head-on can help. Journal your thoughts, your feelings, attend a support group, work with a qualified therapist, or even text a friend when you’re having a rough day. You can’t heal what you can’t name. You don’t have to have all of the answers here, but when you are honest about what you are feeling, rather than trying to bury it, you can find the path to healing.
Rebuild one routine at a time.
Divorce shatters your routines, which in and of itself can create feelings of confusion and uncertainty. Rebuilding your life will take time, so think about the kind of life you want to build. One walk, one date with yourself, one new gym membership or social engagement — one new routine at a time. You’re not just healing your emotions, you’re actually creating new neural pathways in the brain. Literally rewiring yourself.
So, start small and move toward the “new you” one healing step at a time.
Related read: Healing hobbies after divorce
Find your ‘broom tree’ people.
Elijah received the right message at the right time because God sent an angel. For your journey, there will be teachers, leaders, mentors, professionals, friends, and loved ones who will deliver healing care or the right words at the right time. Choose wisely, and actively tap into the resources at your fingertips for healing words, engagement, and advice.
Be patient with the healing curve.
Healing doesn’t work like a light switch. Though you may have “a-ha” moments along the way, healing is a more incremental and lengthy process. Several things are at play when you are working on your mental health:
Honest self-reflection
Learning about healthy coping
Improving your communication skills
Addressing trauma
Rebuilding your self-esteem
Figuring out what’s next
Finding ways to stay centered
Seeking meaning and fulfilment
Grieving what was lost
Forgiving yourself and others
Can You Heal After Divorce?
Absolutely, yes, you can heal after divorce. And while you are doing that, we’d love to be a positive part of your journey. There are lots of Alimonia Life readers sitting under the broom tree learning to heal. Many of them are well on their way to the new life they’ve wanted. Wherever you are on your journey, we’re here for you.
Christina M. Ward