When Your Body Starts Keeping Score of Your Marriage

I didn't notice it happening at first. It crept in slowly, the way most things do when your life is unraveling in slow motion. I told myself I was just tired. Just busy. Just going through a rough patch. What I didn't realize was that my body had already figured it out.

Divorce is one of the most stressful life events a person can go through because it doesn't just affect your emotions. It goes after everything — your sleep, your appetite, your immune system, your ability to concentrate on a single task for longer than four minutes without your thoughts spiraling back to the thing you're trying not to think about.

For me, it showed up in my shoulders first. I started waking up with my jaw clenched so tightly it ached. My dentist noticed before I did. He asked if I was under any unusual stress. I laughed and said, "a little," which was the understatement of my adult life.

Then came the stomach issues. I'd always had a solid appetite — the kind of person who could eat a full meal an hour before bed and sleep like a rock. During my divorce, food became complicated. Some days I forgot to eat entirely. Other days I'd stress-eat an entire bag of sweets at 10pm not because I was hungry but because I needed something.

My friend went through something similar during his divorce. He started getting chest pains bad enough that his ex-wife actually insisted he go to the emergency room. The doctors ran every test. His heart was fine. He was 41 years old and had never once considered that stress could do that to a person.

The sleep deprivation was its own kind of damage. You're not physically tired — you could lie down perfectly still for eight hours — but your brain refuses to stop running. I'd replay conversations. I'd do mental math on finances as if the numbers would somehow change if I thought about them long enough.

The turning point soon came. I started doing the boring but necessary things. I forced myself to eat proper meals. I started walking every morning, nothing dramatic, just thirty minutes outside. Your body keeps score when your mind is too overwhelmed to. The sooner you listen to it, the sooner you can start actually healing — not just surviving.

Hasib Afzal