Guide to Post-Divorce Dating: How to Start Fresh with Confidence
As soon as you tell family and friends you’re getting divorced, the pressure begins. Before the ink is dry, you’re being shooed into introductory conversations with Mr. or Ms. You're just going to love them!
It’s ok to not be ready for that first post-divorce date.
Therapists tout the “one-year healing for every five years of the marriage” advice, but your readiness may differ. Keys to successful and enjoyable dating after divorce are emotional and legal readiness, and the work you’ve put in to prepare yourself. Let’s talk about your readiness. Like, what are the signs you’re really ready to date again? Or not?
When to Start Dating After Divorce
There’s a long-held estimation that the recovery time for a relationship is this:
One year of healing is needed, on average, for every five years spent in the relationship.
This is kind of a therapist-based rule of thumb based on experienced clinical observation, though it’s not clear who pioneered the idea. It’s not a bad time frame to follow. As a divorced woman, I can attest to its accuracy. I can also confess, I didn’t follow it.
And I wasn’t a statistical anomaly. Many people date earlier than their readiness for a number of reasons: loneliness, sexual urges, boredom, or what-have-you. Some people date for logistical or financial reasons. Others seem to be acting out unresolved issues through a tumultuous dating life.
It’s no surprise that early post-divorce dating numbers are high. One post-divorce survey showed that 65% of people date within the first year, 50% before the divorce was finalized. Broad research suggests men tend to date or repartner sooner than women.
So what happens when you date too soon after a divorce?
Post-divorce coping skills are super important, especially if you want to date well, love well, and do so without losing your head. (Or your heart.)
Ask any divorcee you know: How long did you wait to date? And looking back, were you ready?
You’d be surprised how easy it is to feel ready to date, then realize later that you weren’t. Unfortunately, moving on too quickly can lead to repeated mistakes, emotional setbacks, or relationships that aren’t built on a solid foundation.
How do you know when you are ready to date after your divorce is final?
Post-divorce dating readiness, what does this look or feel like? Of course, every relationship, divorce, and healing journey differs. Plus, everyone’s emotional resilience and elasticity are not quite the same. But there are a few indications you’re ready, which should be thoughtfully considered.
Signs You Are Ready to Date After Divorce
You’ve emotionally processed the end of your marriage
You no longer feel anger or resentment toward your ex
Being alone doesn’t feel scary—just optional
You’re clear on what you want (and don’t want) in a partner
You’re not trying to replace your ex
Your self-esteem feels stable and self-driven
You’ve rebuilt a sense of routine and stability
You can talk about your past without reliving the pain.
Here are some good questions to mull over as you consider dusting off your favorite pair of boots and heading out to a singles event. Frame each of these into journal entries to further explore them.
Have I processed the loss of the relationship, not just the person?
Do I feel emotionally independent and stable?
Am I looking for someone to enjoy life with, not someone to rescue me from loneliness?
Have I let go of resentment or blame toward my ex?
Do I have clarity around what I want in a new partner?
Can I maintain boundaries, say no, and still feel whole?
Does it matter if your divorce is finalized first?
It may sound a bit old-fashioned, but there are still states in the US where dating before the divorce is final can be considered adultery. (North and South Carolinas, Mississippi, Florida, Alabama, and New Hampshire among them.)
Check with your divorce lawyer to be sure you can legally date during the divorce proceedings without it negatively affecting any alimony, asset settlement, or child custody judgments. It’s a good idea to wait until the legal coast is clear.
Our Favorite Tips for Post-Divorce Dating
With all the legal-schmegal and psychological readiness stuff out of the way, when you feel ready to begin dating…how to start dating after divorce?
Sometimes, it’s hard to get back in the “game”, especially if you were married for a long time. Since we’re all like one big post-divorce family here at Alimonia Life, we thought some “dating after divorce tips” were in order. We’re not clinical experts, but we’ve been through what you’re going through now.
And we believe that sharing our stories with each other can be just as helpful as all those late-night journal entries.
Here are our favorites, and ones I declare hindsight-approved!
Don’t date before you’re ready because you feel lonely.
Repeat after me: You can do a lot of stupid things when you’re lonely.
And this one: Don’t date stupidly because it feels better than loneliness.
I can attest, as many divorcees can, that it gets lonely after the marriage dissolves. The house is quieter. The conversations you are used to having each day, even the little things, can feel lonesome as you learn to navigate them as an independent person. For me, this instilled a new sense of freedom. I felt ready to get out there and make new friends, meet new people, and yes, date. But looking back, I realize that a lot of my behavior was to relieve that sense of void I felt.
And this is not a good time to start relationships. It seems common sense goes right out the window when you are feeling alone in the world. We start letting people in who have no business being there.
Yes, loneliness can have serious consequences for your health and happiness:
Social isolation is linked to a 32% higher risk of all‑cause mortality.
Loneliness itself is associated with a 14% increase in early death risk.
Social isolation also showed increased cardiovascular mortality risk; loneliness did not on its own.
Don’t date people just to fill a void. This can be a fast track to repeating past relationship mistakes.
While loneliness (or even social boredom) can be difficult, so can grabbing onto the first person who shows you love, affection, attention, or who flatters you.
Don’t date because you think you need someone to fulfill you.
Along with avoiding the loneliness trap, also take the time to learn all about yourself. What you want. What makes you happy. What types of things you enjoy. Then, get out there and practice doing those things as an independent person. Living fully in your own strength is empowering, and helps rebuild the “you” you lost in your marriage.
There are many ways to bring social human connections into your life without welcoming them to your heart or bed. And often, these are the very things that can lead to rebuilding the life you want, as defined by you and not your connection to your ex.
Think of it like moving to a new town and putting down roots. Join a book club or library. Try out a new restaurant. Get involved in a social or religious group. Go to a game. Learn to kayak with some friends.
Just get out there and practice your boundaries, practice enjoying time with others, and practice interacting with a variety of different people. (As 100% yourself!)
Take your time.
There’s no hurry. Despite the public pressure to repartner, it’s totally ok to be on your own for a while while you figure things out and heal. When you meet someone with romantic potential, take your time with them.
It’s important to put into place, or screen for, the compatibility and stability that was missing in your marriage.
Be clear on your boundaries and non-negotiables.
Post-divorce dating boundaries are different for everyone. Hopefully, you’ve learned how to create healthy boundaries that aren’t purely grounded in the post-divorce trauma. But on insights you’ve learned about what makes you feel healthy and happy.
I’ve had people I’ve dated tell me I had “too many rules” because I got particularly good at setting boundaries. And then, dropping them when I became interested in someone. (It’s taken many years for me to unlearn this.)
Your boundaries only work if you believe in them, communicate them in a healthy way, and are willing to take up your own space somewhere else if the new date doesn’t want to honor them.
Your non-negotiables should be exactly non-negotiable.
Understand the importance of compatibility (not just chemistry).
I have a history of selecting partners with whom I have a passionate connection but no long-term compatibility. Does this pattern seem familiar to you? Perhaps looking back at your failed marriage, you can see some areas where you and your partner simply were not compatible.
Learning about compatibility before you get back into dating can help you avoid heartbreak.
This means not just working on who you are, how you heal, and what you want…but also learning something new. There are a ton of resources out there that teach about compatibility, communication, and partnership.
Are You the One for Me?: Knowing Who's Right and Avoiding Who's Wrong, by Barbara De Angelis
The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts, by Gary Chapman (A classic favorite, and worth a read, though some of the examples in the book are admittedly old-fashioned.)
Signs You Are Not Ready for Post-Divorce Dating
The biggest indicator you are not ready is unhealed pain. Sure, you’ll always look back on your marriage with a mixture of emotions. Some wounds may not fully heal.
My marriage left me with a lot of trauma. I experience moments of panic, fear, pain, and remembrance, to this day, decades later. Other times, I randomly think shameful thoughts, as if I am not quite done forgiving myself for my role in the marital failure. But there’s a key trend here: those thoughts are not my norm. I am able to look back on the whole thing with a great deal of grace and emotional distance.
When you can talk about or think about the ex or the marital end with that measure of healing grace, it’s much easier to love others. Without carrying brokenness, anger, or unhealed pain into your next partnership. You may not be fully healed, but you know when the healing has taken a turn for the better.
You may even feel freer and more confident than you have in a long time. And that’s good…because dating can be a whole different kind of hard. You’ll have moments where you question yourself or feel like your healing is relapsing. But, it’s also invigorating. Exciting. And, a great teacher.
Remember to have fun, keep growing, and love yourself through it all. You’ve got this!
Christina M. Ward
This dating advice for divorced men/women is based on both personal experience and what we’ve seen in the Alimonia Life community. Alimonia Life Blog is here to help!