From Financial Abuse to Financial Freedom: Real Divorce Recovery Stories
When a marriage dissolves, you can lose more than your relationship’s footing. Especially when there has been financial abuse in the marriage. You may see your partner’s dishonesty or controlling behavior around finances. Or worse, experience financial control that keeps you locked into the marriage, for fear of the financial backlash of parting ways. Financial control is a very real way for an abusive partner to hurt you.
Financial abuse, similarly to emotional or physical abuse, can hurt you long-term. But with the right tools and resources, and with the right commitment to your own financial health, you can recover. Financial abuse stories occasionally make headlines, but the experience is far more common than one might think. Estimates of economic abuse from an intimate partner are as high as 15%.
Let’s talk about what financial abuse looks like, how others have overcome this type of pain, and how you can rebuild your future. So you can build back stronger, more secure.
What Is Financial Abuse in Marriage?
First off, what even isfinancial abuse? Licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT) Annie Wright defines it quite well, which is important because spotting financial abuse and escaping it can be tricky:
“A pattern in which one partner uses money, assets, or financial information to restrict the other partner’s autonomy, manufacture economic dependence, or punish disobedience. It includes limiting access to funds, sabotaging employment, hiding assets, opening debt in a partner’s name, and turning money into a reward-and-punishment system.”—Annie Wright, LMFT — Financial Abuse in Relationships: When Money Is Used as a Weapon
The National Network to End Domestic Violence, the NNEDV, also highlights the intent of the financial abuser, using financially based tactics as a way to gain control over the partner. The methods may differ from one situation to another, but there are indicators.
What Are the Signs of Financial Abuse?
What does financial abuse look like? How can you see the “writing on the wall” if your partner keeps turning the light off, trying to keep you in the dark? That’s the thing about illumination and perspective—you can turn that on for yourself. Light in a darkened room shows us a lot of things, really.
I recall watching Angela Bassett (brilliantly) play Tina Turner in the 1993 film What’s Love Got to Do with it?, and recognizing Ike Turner’s financial hold over Tina. It was the first time I saw on a screen how one person could mentally manipulate another to control their money, and how devastating that could be.
(I later would recall the actress’s portrayal of Tina Turner’s desperate escape—as I stood, braless and disheveled, before a gas station attendant at 1:00 am, who was denying me the use of their phone to call for help. But that’s another article, for another day.)
Some of the signs of marital financial control may be small, adding up to a larger framework that keeps you trapped in someone else’s vision for your life. Other tactics can be downright cruel.
Signs of Financial Abuse in Marriage
The signs of financial domestic abuse can be subtle, or even covert. So you may not notice them at first. Over time, an abusive partner can gain more control over your autonomy, your money, your financial assets, and, in some cases, keep you trapped in the marriage. Like using the kids against you, any tool that can be wielded may empower an abusive mind.
Career sabotage. Does your partner pull the strings in your career? Call the shots or interfere so that you cannot follow your own career aspirations? Threaten to get you fired, make you call in sick, or constantly call you at work so you can’t get your job done?
Cutting your access to money. Denial of access to financial statements, money, bank accounts, credit cards, or the sign-in information so you can view account activity. If your partner keeps you in the dark so you can be manipulated, this may be a good indicator of financial abuse.
Using assets or money to threaten you. The “if you leave you get nothing” argument.
Controlling your financial behavior. Checking up on your bank statements, questioning your purchases, demanding receipts?
Using money as a “reward system”. The “allowance” idea, or using money to reward you for desirable behavior. The “see how nice I am being to you” reward system your partner uses to entice you into the behavior they want.
Checking up on your financial behavior. They check your accounts and demand you show proof of purchases, or explain them. You find yourself hiding things to avoid abusive behavior from your partner.
Controlling your valuables. Yes, taking your phone, laptop, computer—these are your assets. Threatening to break your grandmother’s expensive vase you inherited…damaging your assets is financial abuse, and it’s pretty scary to experience.
Stealing from you or driving you into debt for their gain. Ruined credit & emptied accounts? Check.
A good rule of thumb here is this: Is my partner’s behavior around money hurting me? Is this something they are willing to work on or change if I approach them about it? If you do not feel safe in this conversation with your partner, there’s a good indicator that your financial health is at risk, possibly more.
Need help? See the National Network to End Domestic Violence — Financial Abuse Toolkit.
Real Life Stories: Escape Financial Abuse
Real-life financial abuse escape happens, and when it does, it sometimes makes fewer headlines. Here are a few real-life financial abuse survival stories you may have missed. Maybe you’ll find the same inspiration I found watching that Tina Turner movie so many years ago.
Tina Turner, covered in more detail by Vanity Fair.
Kiesha Preston's interview covers economic abuse + other types of marital abuse.
While not a marital relationship, Britney Spears is known to have suffered financial abuse through conservatorship.
Mel B has said financial abuse from ex-husband Stephen Belafonte left her having to move back in with her mom.
One Instagrammer, Emily (@emilyherself ), shared how financial abuse developed in her marriage, and how she got free.
Financial Abuse Divorce Strategy
How do you get out of a financially abusive marriage, especially when it may mean cutting ties with your financial resources? And especially when divorce costs are so high? It may sound cliché, but you will figure things out as you go. From free community resources to taking the “humble pie” route, which drove Mel B. to have to live with her mom for a while, getting out is the first step.
Rally the troops. Confide in those you trust. Get the overnight bag packed and stowed away for when you’ll need it. Squirrel some resources as you are able. And carry whatever financial records (and evidence of the abuse) you have to your lawyer. If you can show financial abuse occurred in your marriage, you may have some legal grounds to consider in court.
Don’t worry if you cannot find everything, because your lawyer can do some legwork. If one spouse has been hiding money, assets, or income, the other spouse's attorney can use:
Subpoenas for bank records, tax returns, business records
Forensic accountants to trace hidden assets, unusual withdrawals, or shell accounts
Depositions where the spouse must answer financial questions under oath
Related reading: How to Divorce an Abusive Spouse
Moving On with Better Financial Health
Rebuilding what’s been lost isn’t easy. But casting your eyes backward and lamenting over those losses can make you bitter, robbing you of your forward momentum. Post-abuse wealth recovery (or at least getting on your feet!) takes time, but it’s a lot easier without someone chipping away at your financial health.
Empowerment starts here.
The NCADV (the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, which has merged with the National Domestic Violence Hotline) can help with safety planning and resources. And Savvy Ladies has free video resources on financial abuse recovery to help you start this new phase of healing.
Christina M. Ward