Divorce Stigma: What if it’s Your Own Partner Who Can’t Deal?
My second marriage was a tough one. I can still remember the terrible fights, the pain I brought with me into the marriage, and the judgment from my partner. Arguments frequently spiraled back to the same place. My partner hated that I’d been married before. Divorce stigma, as it’s called, can happen right in your own home.
I can’t help I married damaged goods, he’d scream at me. The words stung, and at the time, I didn’t know there were deep-seated reasons for this behavior. At the time, I just thought he was being mean. Or maybe, maybe those awful words were true. Those words got in my head and over the years, ulcerated my sense of self-worth.
Looking back, I understand now that there was real pain there, for both of us. And neither of us knew how to talk about it, or how to heal it. So, let’s talk about it. Maybe, if you are facing this, you’ll find comfort, support, and strategies toward a healthier outcome for your partnership.
If what you are facing extends into partner violence, please reach out to trusted friends, family, or professional resources immediately. Organizations such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1−800−799−7233) and local support services are there to help you stay safe and find assistance.
What Is ‘Divorce Stigma’ from a Partner?
Divorce stigma is a type of social stigma that divorced people may face. You may have experienced this. At social events, you’ve heard hushed whispers, seen people eying someone recently separated or divorced. You may have seen church-stares, heard office gossip, or even seen someone shunned from social groups when their newly “divorced status” changed their welcome.
Yes, it’s unfair. But this type of “social discouragement” dates back centuries to a time when ending a partnership would have been detrimental to survival. In this day and age, people have the law and social constructs in place to find support and freedom in ending a marriage that isn't working. But as with many other things, the social “ick” passes on generation to generation and is hard to wash off.
When you come home to your partner, though, there’s an expectation of acceptance.
When you partner up as a divorced person, it may shock you the first time your partner makes a nasty comment about the fact that you had a previous spouse.
Divorce Stigma from Your Partner | Red Flags
Calling you names related to your past (e.g., "damaged goods")
Blaming prior marriage in conflicts
Avoiding discussions about the past
Getting triggered into conflict at the mention of your previous spouse or marriage
Emotional withdrawal or contempt linked to your history
Making jokes, snarky comments, or speaking ill of your past
Relationship insecurity often stems from fears and doubts triggered by a partner’s past. Insecurity about past relationships is only one factor that can generate the judgment and tension you are feeling from your partner. There are also psychological functions at play, as well as previous ideologies and experiences. (Things that take time to address and heal.)
Possible Causes for Your Partner’s Judgment
Blame-Shifting: Your partner may deflect responsibility for problems by blaming your past marriage or labeling you negatively, as a way to avoid facing their own issues or insecurities. This often stems from needing to maintain control or protect their self-image.
Negative beliefs about divorce (thinking it equals failure). This includes religious or cultural beliefs that look down on divorce.
Retroactive Jealousy: Your partner may struggle with jealousy about your former relationship(s), feeling threatened or inadequate, which can lead to controlling behavior or verbal attacks about your divorce history. Insecurity and fear can be powerful triggers.
Holding your past against you as a form of control or manipulation
Overcoming Partner-Driven Divorce Stigma
I grew up in the South, where “passive-aggressive” is generational. Let me tell you, this type of avoidance won’t heal this problem. It will take some hard conversations, open hearts, forgiveness, and a commitment to shared honesty.
The Stakes Are Higher
And, should we be reminded of the stakes here? Second marriages already face an uphill battle to success. In 2025, around 39–42% of marriages end in divorce, down from 40-50% in 2022. Back in 2022, a whopping 60-67% of second marriages failed. That number isn’t really trending downward in 2025:
Second marriages: over 60% ending in divorce.
Third marriages: 70% or more ending in divorce.
Some experts believe that premarital counseling and marrying later in life may both contribute to these shifts. Since these metrics are working to reduce first-marriage divorces, applying them for subsequent marriages is critical:
Take your time.
Talk about the hard things up front.
Work with a marriage and family counselor before remarrying.
Practice healthy communication and conflict resolution (both will help you in other areas of your relationship).
Starting the Conversation
Healing divorce stigma within your relationship requires open dialogue and work to reframe the narrative. Sometimes the emotions bubbling to the surface reflect deep wounds that need to be addressed. Social, cultural, and religious stigmas about divorce can be difficult to change. You and your partner can work through stigma-related issues and develop healthier dynamics that will prepare you to resolve emotional conflicts. Premarital counseling can give you an advantage.
Regardless of where you start, consider open, tough conversations with your partner. With a partner’s preconceived notions about your previous marriage, conversations can heat up quickly. This work is really about exploring old wounds and perceptions, and sowing the seeds for a stable, strong partnership, grounded in a shared security. During these heavy talks, practice patience, honesty, compassion, and listen fully.
Conversation Starters:
“I’m sensing some tension when my previous marriage comes up. Can we talk about it?”
“How do you feel about my previous marriage?”
“What fears or concerns do you have about my past?”
“How can we build trust beyond previous relationships?”
“What do you need from me to feel secure?”
“Tell me why you think this is bothering you so much?”
“What steps do you think we need to take to get on the same page?”
“What needs healing here? Let’s figure this out together.”
“What are the triggers here and how can we heal those hot buttons?”
Remember This
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a Swiss-American psychiatrist and author, is attributed with a quote that means a great deal to me. The quote reminds me that my behavior, my thoughts, and my words are either rooted in love or fear. In every situation, that choice can be mine to make. I think it applies to divorce judgment between partners, and many other issues you may face together:
“There are only two emotions: love and fear. All positive emotions come from love, all negative emotions from fear. From love flows happiness, contentment, peace, and joy. From fear comes anger, hate, anxiety, and guilt,” and “we cannot feel these two emotions [love and fear] together, at exactly the same time.”
So the question is whether or not you and your partner can do the work it takes to err on the side of love, not fear. It isn’t always easy, but I’m hopeful that you can.
Christina M. Ward
Thank you for letting Alimonia Life Blog be a part of your journey. We’re here to walk with you every step of the way.