Can Your Illness End Your Marriage?
Despite our marital commitments to one another, when tested, it’s hard to stick with our partner through the “in sickness” portion of our vows. Our vow is noble. We mean it. Yet, many marriages end when one spouse faces a debilitating illness or injury.
Today, Alimonia Life discusses illness and divorce, and what you can do to prevent losing your marriage to your illness.
Partner Support When You Need it Most
In the past few months, I was given a stage 3C Melanoma cancer diagnosis*. Reeling with fear, confusion, and admittedly an existential crisis, I began to look at my partner differently. I worried that my partner and I would not be able to weather the difficulties of this diagnosis, my treatment, and the high likelihood of recurrence.
Would my partner be there for me if, or when, this gets worse? When I have surgery? When the immunotherapy treatments make me too tired to support them or help care for our home? What if the cancer comes back and I have to do chemo next time? Will my partner still love me without my beautiful curly hair?
I thought a lot about how illness can affect marriage. And how some of those relationships don’t make it.
Historical Context of ‘In Sickness and In Health’
The phrase “in sickness and in health” is still widely used in modern wedding vows. The phrase, originally, was meant to mirror Christ’s unconditional love for the church, as traditional Christian marriages are called to do. It started way back in 1549 in the Book of Common Prayer, and went like this:
"I, [Name], take thee, [Name], to my wedded wife/husband,
to have and to hold from this day forward,
for better for worse, for richer for poorer,
in sickness and in health,
to love and to cherish, till death us do part,
according to God’s holy ordinance; and thereto I plight thee my troth."
As you can see, this part of traditional marital vows hasn’t changed very much over the years.
The ‘In Sickness and in Health’ Marriage
Back in 1549, many things were vastly different than today. We’ll mention only two highly relevant ones here.
It was much more common for illness and disease to take a person’s life back then. Marriages faced the Bubonic plague, leprosy, Typhoid fever, and deaths due to tooth infections or childbirth. While these types of illnesses or diseases were common then, modern medicine offers a longer marriage a fighting chance.
Marriages were less about love back then and more about stability. Marital union provided a stable bond that secured heritage and wealth. It wasn’t as common to break these bonds.
Vows today aren’t as blood-bound as they were back in Tudor England, where that Book of Common Prayer was first inked for the Church of England. But let’s hop into the current century, where ‘in sickness and in health’ translates into a ‘ride or die’ partner status.
Can Illness Cause Divorce?
You bet it can. Despite our best intentions, when illness, sickness, or other chronic conditions become a part of our unions, the marital decay can be quick.
Your spouse loses their job and succumbs to depression, turning them into someone you no longer recognize.
Your spouse gets cancer. The treatments, the hair loss, the physical decline, the financial pressures of an ongoing illness…and you feel you can’t uphold your ‘end of the deal’ anymore.
What if your spouse has an accident, and you find yourself caring for a quadriplegic or double amputee? This is very different from the life you envisioned.
Your spouse develops a chronic illness like MS or Lupus. It seems they can’t meet your needs like they used to. You begin to feel lonely in your marriage and want out.
These examples demonstrate complex situations that can test a marriage to its limits. Unless, of course, you take measures to protect your marital vows. (We’ll share some tips for this in a moment.)
How Health Problems Affect Relationships
Consider these less-than-heartwarming statistics on illness and its impact on marriage:
Marriages end faster for women who fall ill. One study published in The Journal of Health and Social Behavior found that “serious illness in a wife increased the risk of divorce by about 6%, while the same was not observed when the husband became ill.”
Multiple Sclerosis ends a sobering 75% of marriages when a spouse falls ill to the disease, according to the MS Society’s website.
A cancer diagnosis in women increases divorce risk sixfold. A study published in the journal Cancer found that women diagnosed with serious illnesses like cancer or multiple sclerosis were six times more likely to be divorced or separated than if it were the husband with the same diagnosis.
31% of marriages involving serious illness ended in divorce in a 20-year study of 2,701 couples over age 50, conducted by researchers at the University of Michigan and Indiana University. Divorce was more likely when the wife was the one who became ill.
Health problems can affect our relationships in many ways. Losing the “image” or ideal version of a partner can be hard. Caring for an ailing partner adds a lot to your plate, requiring more mental bandwidth. The pressures can make it hard to be our best selves and deal patiently with an ailing spouse. Understandably, many seek a way out. Divorce begins to look like the less stressful option.
Chronic Illness and Divorce
In 2010, American singer Toni Braxton opened up about her Lupus diagnosis while giving her acceptance speech for an award. While the diagnosis impacted her career, the singer also shared in a 2018 interview on Red Table Talk, the impact her illness had on her marriage.
The singer shared, “I couldn’t make money because I had Lupus. I had to cancel the show. That was my personal contribution to the marriage failing, because who wants to take care of a person who’s sick all the time?”
“I never talked to my ex-husband about it, I probably should have,” Toni continued. “But if I’m going to be completely honest, money was just the decoration on the tree. The tree itself was I felt, because I was sick, he left.”
Braxton’s story demonstrates how complex the issue of chronic illness and divorce can be.
What About Mental Illness and Divorce?
It doesn’t have to be a lifelong chronic disease or injury that changes our relationships. Mental illness can also negatively impact a couple’s marriage. ‘In sickness and in health’ refers to physical or mental illnesses. In cases of mental illness, your partner may evolve into someone you have difficulty understanding. The toll on a marriage can be devastating.
How Do We Protect Our Marriage?
Fighting for your health and your marriage at the same time can be a difficult position to be in. Aside from the obvious need to develop a strong support system, can your marriage be saved? Are there ways to strengthen your marriage to honor the “in sickness” part of your wedding vows?
Yes, there are.
Prioritize open and honest communication: The strongest marriages keep their bond a priority by maintaining open and honest communication. This core strength can carry you through the ups and downs of an illness or unexpected injury. This means sharing your fears, your hopes, and your emotional, physical, and medical support needs openly with your partner.
Seek professional support: Many diagnoses come with support systems in place that you can use for ongoing care. These initiatives are based on the needs of the person who is ill or who has a debilitating condition or injury. But remember, there are also marital support systems to keep you and your partner strong, together. Seeking church support, marital counseling, or hiring someone to do the cleaning—there are many ways to alleviate some of the new pressures on you and your spouse, and help you navigate the changing landscape of your relationship.
Maintain intimacy and connection: Marriages that make you feel safe, supported, and connected to your spouse, both emotionally and physically, are stronger. A spouse is less inclined to look for a way out of something they treasure. During tough times, commit to finding (or redefining) the ways you can still do this for each other.
Develop a collaborative care plan: It’s unfair that someone is sick or requires long-term care. But, it can also feel unfair to the spouse who has to pick up a heavier load of responsibility. A care plan that relies too much on one person is more likely to buckle under the pressure. Make sure a collaborative care plan provides for your needs as well as your spouse’s.
Support each other in self-care: Taking care of ourselves, as well as our spouse, may seem like conflicting goals, but they don’t have to be. Empathy is a street best traveled when the practice flows both ways. As illness has restructured your marriage into something different than what you may have envisioned, the basics of self-care can keep both you and your spouse feeling centered.
Chronic Illness and Divorce Settlement
Sometimes divorce is imminent. There may be other underlying marital issues that became amplified.. In cases of injury or illness, even a strong marriage can be tested to the point of divorce.
What are your rights as a divorcee when issues of illness or injury play a role? There are legal rights involved in such cases. You may be able to ask for alimony, be entitled to a greater share in the division of assets, or ask for greater support in caring for the children. Speak with your divorce lawyer about these concerns and be open to their advice. It could make all the difference in your support post-divorce.
*Author’s Note: Regarding my cancer diagnosis? I had surgery to remove the tumor and two lymph nodes, and will undergo one full year of immunotherapy treatments. To be declared ”cancer-free,” I must have clear PET scans and brain MRIs every 6 months for the next five years. The chance of recurrence for my staging is 40-60% in the first two years. The five-year survival rate for a 3C Melanoma diagnosis is about 65% according to the American Cancer Society.
Thanks for reading our blog today. Alimonia Life Blog is here to offer support for those facing divorce, navigating it, or thriving in the aftermath of it.
Christina M. Ward