Getting in the Holiday Spirit After Divorce
Is divorce ruining your holidays? Psychologists call it “anniversary reaction” or “anniversary effect.” The first year after separation, divorce, or breakup will be the hardest. Holidays after divorce often trigger feelings of grief, anger, loneliness, or ignite your inner Scrooge.
But your holiday spirit isn’t a lost cause. Navigating those first-year-alone milestones, like Christmas, are hard but doable. For whatever reason, the first holiday season after divorce hits especially hard. Even if holy stars and Kris Kringle aren’t really your thing. The Christmas holidays usher in that festive spirit, and usually involve traditions of family. But your family – has changed.
“Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”—Marilyn Monroe
How do you navigate the holiday milestones? How do you keep your divorce from ruining Christmas? In short, you make new memories. Make new traditions. And figure out your coping superpowers.
Making Peace – Holiday Memories & Grief
Navigating holidays during divorce is pretty rough. I distinctly remember opening my mouth at our family holiday parties, and to my horror, the drama, the grief, the anger just came pouring out of me. I was embarrassed. Ashamed. And feeling like a complete mess. And I felt terrible that my kids were probably asking Santa for all kinds of family-related miracles that weren’t going to come.
"Holidays can intensify feelings of grief, especially when the loss is ambiguous... These absences and changes can be especially painful during the holidays. For many, the main experience is one of conflicting emotions: deep sadness, frustration, and sometimes brief moments of joy. Noticing and acknowledging these feelings can help. They are real and part of coping with this kind of loss."—psychologist Jennifer Sweeton, PhD (Balancing Joy and Grief During the Holidays)
I learned some things about myself and my boys during those first tough seasons. It took some years for the turmoil at Christmas to level out, but we learned to adapt. Here are some tips, which I wish I’d added to my own Christmas list back then.
Holiday Tips for Divorcees: Managing the Christmas Chaos
DO NOT make the kids feel “torn” – The co-parenting holiday schedule must not be the end-all argument at Christmas. Give in more than you mean to…because PEACE at Christmas is what matters for your children. If they have to miss their favorite Auntie’s Christmas party, take them to see her on another day and make it special.
DO NOT compare gift-giving – Time to exercise some self-control and let go. As tempting as it is to be all up in the business of what your ex is or is not doing for the kids. Make the kids’ holiday special in ways that matter for you and them.
DO NOT ruin your children’s holiday because you are in a crap mood about the whole thing. Here’s where coping superpowers are critical.
Save the therapy-level conversations for the right moments, and not in front of the kids. Remember that they may remember.
Got the basics of Post-Divorce Holiday 101? Ok, good. Let’s figure out how not to let your divorce ruin your holiday faster than an itchy Christmas sweater. Or that icky fruitcake thing.
Making Things New – Solo Holiday Traditions Post Divorce
Creating new traditions after divorce is everything. It really is. Yes, you can work through trauma and grief in therapy, with support groups, or journaling. Yes, you can mantra your way through it all, but in the end, traditions center the holiday season for your heart.
Even simple things. Ask yourself and your children what holiday traditions are the most important. Try to keep a few of these core traditions in place. Then, set out to create new ones.
This can be exciting for you and for your children.
Find a new holiday recipe to make each year. Start a yearly holiday movie night with your kids. Change your Christmas decorating aesthetic. Immerse yourself in Christmas activities as a newly separated or divorced person with confidence, knowing that the holidays aren’t forever ruined – they are just different.
Making Holiday Magic – Separation Holiday Coping Strategies
It’s hard to get into the Christmas spirit when you’re hurting. Grief can be overwhelming. Your coping strategies matter more than ever when you are navigating big, and sometimes overwhelming, feelings. These feelings need to be honored and experienced in bite-sized portions.
After my divorce, I developed a coping mechanism that saved me countless emotional tailspins. Surviving holidays after divorce meant learning to allow myself to feel those emotional triggers without succumbing to the grief completely. I did this with music.
My favorite band is the Counting Crows. Singer Adam Duritz has a way of opening emotional wounds, speaking to the sorrow, and interjecting joy, confidence, and perseverance. Some of his songs could pull up my deepest feelings of despair. I’d stand in front of the stereo, turn up the volume, and allow those songs to wash through me. The tears would come, and I’d let them.
But when the song ended, I’d wipe my tears and turn off the music, feeling relieved and somehow lighter. This lets the pressure off. Long enough for me to feel some relief, but then get back to the business of living my life. It was a way for me not to get so entangled in the emotion that I couldn’t find my way out.
This emotional release became my coping superpower. Find yours.
Managing grief, setting boundaries, and seeking support will help you get through the Christmas season without complete overwhelm.
Holiday Healing & Alimonia Life Support
Remember to celebrate the small victories this holiday season. Whether it’s handling a tough moment with grace, starting a new tradition, or simply getting through the day. Every step forward is a cause for hope and healing.
At Alimonia Life Blog, you’ll find a unique group of writing contributors from all walks of life. But we all have one thing in common – we’ve all been there. We’ve all experienced holidays on the heels of a divorce. We’ve all felt the sting of tears while sipping what used to be our favorite holiday hot chocolate. Getting in the holiday spirit after divorce is something we all figure out, eventually, but we hope you’ll feel less alone by reading our stories.
We’re here for you. And from all of us at Alimonia Life, we wish you a Merry and empowered Christmas!
Christina M. Ward